19 years ago
19 years ago today,a Saturday, my family(mom, sisters and brothers) and I were playing at a lake in Germany. It was a great day... filled with jokes, laughter, swimming contests and a picnic. I was visiting from college, on summer break.Mid-way through the day, all of us "older" kids swam out to a dock in the middle of the lake. At one point, I remember my little sister, only 10 years old, begged me to take her with me out to the dock. I told her that she was too small... and that I wasn't strong enough to swim her out on my back. She was tremendously disappointed, as she now was the oldest left back on the bank, with my 8 year old brother and 6 year old twin sisters. She didn't want to be stuck with the "little kids". Eventually, we all swam back... played with the little kids...and then called it a day.
That night, my sister M and I went to the movies (I cannot remember with whom.) When we were dropped off at home after, all the lights in the house were on....When we walked in, my sister L was watching TV (I think she'd come home from a date as well?) and she said "Mom & Dad had to take E (the 10 year old) to the hospital again..." The details were sketchy-as I seem to remember that our brother who is younger than L, was left in charge until we came home.
E going to the hospital on a regular basis was common in our home. Most of her life at the time was spent fighting CHRONIC asthma. Little tiny things set her off. She'd go to the hospital, get a treatment. Sometimes she'd stay over night and other times, she'd come back home right away. We sisters all took turns staying up waiting for them to come home. This night I volunteered, mostly because M & L were tired....
I will never forget the minute my mom & dad came home. Alone. The look on their faces is burned in my mind forever. My stomach tightened as I asked "Where's E?" Neither answered, and my mom just looked at me in agony. My dad's eyebrows crumpled and his face contorted.
All I could shout was "NO! NO! NO!"
There are few moments I remember distinctly from that night... I remember my dad calling his own parents, to tell the news, and him breaking down... a sound escaped him that I'd never heard... that evoked such grief in me. I remember my parents waking the other children... and hearing their sobs. It was a long and agonizing night...
but mostly.. I remember the guilt I had for not taking E out to the dock with me that day.
The funeral and burial were stateside, so we travelled as a family back to California. I would not return to Germany with them, as I was going back to college.
For many months after, I tried to live my life as usual. But grief overwhelmed me at times... and I struggled to understand "WHY WHY WHY." I felt such guilt about that day at the lake, even though people would try to comfort me, and tell me that she understood, and didn't blame me. I began to pray for comfort... to get on with my life.. to find peace somehow.
Several months later, I had a dream about all of us sisters playing "in a circle" and she was in the middle. She smiled at me, and without saying a word, I knew she didn't blame me, and that she was busy where she was...and that she loved me. That very moment I felt peace, and comfort.
After 19 years, the pain has dimmed. There are days when I still feel sad, and miss her so.
But mostly, those memories of the lake and my family, breezes through my mind---and brings a smile to my lips... and gently slips away to the back of my memories... to be recalled again another day.
That night, my sister M and I went to the movies (I cannot remember with whom.) When we were dropped off at home after, all the lights in the house were on....When we walked in, my sister L was watching TV (I think she'd come home from a date as well?) and she said "Mom & Dad had to take E (the 10 year old) to the hospital again..." The details were sketchy-as I seem to remember that our brother who is younger than L, was left in charge until we came home.
E going to the hospital on a regular basis was common in our home. Most of her life at the time was spent fighting CHRONIC asthma. Little tiny things set her off. She'd go to the hospital, get a treatment. Sometimes she'd stay over night and other times, she'd come back home right away. We sisters all took turns staying up waiting for them to come home. This night I volunteered, mostly because M & L were tired....
I will never forget the minute my mom & dad came home. Alone. The look on their faces is burned in my mind forever. My stomach tightened as I asked "Where's E?" Neither answered, and my mom just looked at me in agony. My dad's eyebrows crumpled and his face contorted.
All I could shout was "NO! NO! NO!"
There are few moments I remember distinctly from that night... I remember my dad calling his own parents, to tell the news, and him breaking down... a sound escaped him that I'd never heard... that evoked such grief in me. I remember my parents waking the other children... and hearing their sobs. It was a long and agonizing night...
but mostly.. I remember the guilt I had for not taking E out to the dock with me that day.
The funeral and burial were stateside, so we travelled as a family back to California. I would not return to Germany with them, as I was going back to college.
For many months after, I tried to live my life as usual. But grief overwhelmed me at times... and I struggled to understand "WHY WHY WHY." I felt such guilt about that day at the lake, even though people would try to comfort me, and tell me that she understood, and didn't blame me. I began to pray for comfort... to get on with my life.. to find peace somehow.
Several months later, I had a dream about all of us sisters playing "in a circle" and she was in the middle. She smiled at me, and without saying a word, I knew she didn't blame me, and that she was busy where she was...and that she loved me. That very moment I felt peace, and comfort.
After 19 years, the pain has dimmed. There are days when I still feel sad, and miss her so.
But mostly, those memories of the lake and my family, breezes through my mind---and brings a smile to my lips... and gently slips away to the back of my memories... to be recalled again another day.
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