Shame

Lately, I have been dwelling on a particular relationship I had when I was first married...
And I wish I could go back in time.

Our first duty station after we were married was in Colorado Springs.
Achilles was constantly deployed while we were there...and we often joke that
"I" lived in Colorado Springs for 3 years... he merely came to visit me occasionally.

I made friends with several of the wives who's husbands were in my husband's unit.
One in particular, Cassandra, was a member of my church so I hung out with her a lot.
She had a daughter, Chelsey, and she was pregnant and due just a few months after my due date with my first daughter.

We moved near them when we decided to move out of our 1 room studio... right across the street, in fact. I babysat for them constantly and was glad to do it.
Her husband wasn't a member and enjoyed baiting me and debating me about what I believed.
In those days, I couldn't help myself.... my irish temper flared and he got exactly what he was fishing for... a reaction from me.

I would try to overlook his hateful barbs... after all, his wife was my best friend at the time.
Occasionally, he'd make comments about Achilles...but I just took them in stride...correcting his incorrect generalizations. I couldnt' figure out how she could tolerate his anti-mormon behavior... and still have a testimony. But I figured it was none of my business.

When Achilles went to Panama, I became friends with a few other wives of deployed soldiers.
Cassandra's husband stayed behind ( I can't remember why).
My new friend, Jerri, was due with her second baby just before me,
and my other new friends,Suzi, was due the month after me with her first baby as well.
We all hung out and had play dates, and met at the mall etc.

Soon, Cassandra began to talk about the other girls, behind their backs.
It was small things at first... but then more intense things after a while.
I just ignored the things she'd say... changing the subject when I could.
The other girls were always kind to her and always saying nice things about her.
One day, I overheard her saying such things about me as well, and worse.
I was crushed.
I had been such a devout & loyal friend to her.
So, I systematically took myself out of her life.
It was easier for me to just move on, rather than have a blow out.
I began to hang out more with Jerri... and we seemed to have so much more in common.
The day that our husbands were to come home loomed on the horizon and Jerri was so nervous that her baby would be born without her's being home. We talked long about a plan "just in case". In the end, (the day before the husbands came home) she had her son so fast, I was in the delivery room and took pictures for her husband. It was precious for me... although heartached that her husband missed it only by a few hours.
At Jerri's request, I called Cassandra to tell her about the baby.
Cassandra's feelings were hurt that we hadn't called her sooner... and I explained that it all happend so fast that there wasn't time. And left it at that.
A few days later, Cassandra called and basically let me know how unhappy she was to be excluded from everything. And felt hurt and angry that I hadn't been calling her etc.
I've never been good at confrontation ... so I mumbled some lame excuse and moved on.

As is always the case....
It festered.

I couldn't stop thinking about how angry she and her husband made me.
I was hurt that she would betray me after I had done so much for her.
I was devistated that she felt so superior that she could judge me,
when I withheld judgement so often about her.
I was angry that I couldn't just say how I felt...right to her face.
So, finally I just sat down one day and wrote out all my feelings.
I wrote plainly of what she'd done and how it made me feel.
I told her that I'd expected more from someone who held the same belief's.

Only, I didn't stop there.

I wanted to make her feel as low as I felt.
So, I took slashes at what I knew would hurt her the most...
her marriage to a non-member and her struggle to take her daughters to church alone.
I said hateful mean things, and cut her to the core.
I said how much I pitied that she would never know the joy of hearing her children sing primary songs...especially their sweet voices singing "I am a Child of God."
I said how I pitied that she wouldn't know the joy of eternal marriage.
I questioned how she could say she had a testimony, yet could tolerate someone in her own home making fun at those things she held dear.
I cannot remember all the rest exactly, but it was along the same lines.
I sent it to her just after I moved to Germany, with no forwarding address.
On purpose.
I didn't want to hear back from her.
I wanted to just be done with that chapter in my life.

A few months later, at my new house in Germany,
I received a very-thick letter with no return address.
I recognized the handwritting at once.
I put it in my pocket to read after the kids went to bed and after Achilles went to work.
I thought about the letter throughout the day... wondering what she could possibly have to say.

When I finally sat down to read it,
I realized I'd hit my mark.
She was hurt.
And angry.
Her letter rambled back and forth, obviously so upset.

I folded up that letter, and put it in the back of my journal.
By the end of the year, I'd forgotten it.

Over the years, I would think on it every once in a while... with sadness.

When we moved to Kansas...I saw that thick letter again in the back of my old journal.
And reread it with older eyes.
I found remorse in the agony I had caused her.
I had no right to treat her so. No matter what she'd ever done to me, I had no right.

I became obsessed at finding her.
To apologize and beg her forgiveness.

I knew that they'd gotten out of the military... and they'd talked about moving back to Florida, where they're from.
I scoured the internet for a shred of any information I could find.
To no avail.

To this day, I haven't found her and have no idea how to.

And I wish that I could go back in time and just never send that letter.

I have looked at blogs...wondering if she keeps one now.
I wonder if she stayed married or if they finally divorced.
I wonder how her daughters, especially chelsey, turned out.

There is no way to make ammends, and that is my greatest regret.

I hope someday that I stumble upon her blog... or someone who knows her... or have a way to make amends.
I've learned a very valuable lesson.
The hard way.

I am such a different person now....
and I would love for her to know that.